The Girl in the Apartment
March 5, 2012
There is a little girl who lives in an apartment in my head, and I look after her. The windows of the apartment are my eyes, so she sees what I see, and I keep her safe. So when someone looks at me funny on the street, I send her some schnauzer puppies, because we love schnauzer puppies. And when another girl calls me ugly, I hold up a mirror so she can see how pretty she really is. And when my lover hits me, I give her a hug, because she needs a lot of kindness.
But then I get mad. Why should she be sheltered, while I bear the world’s bullshit? Why should she get to be whole, while I crumble around her?
So I evict the little girl from the apartment in my head, I throw her and her tiny possessions out to the curb, and she doesn’t fare well without me. I pass her on the street one night, begging for change. No one notices her because she’s so small, but I see her right away. And I feel bad, so I give her some change, but then I take it back. Because while I love her, I hate her too. As I love and hate myself.