I’ll hold my tongue. Against yours, against all odds, look: open mouth and it pours. Your tongue— stiff, unfamiliar with my language— how it moves around shapes. Little details wander into your life, spread themselves out on the table, buzzing. And this being inside of me, it roars, it cannot be appeased. Tongue turning slowly, ancient machinery, awkwardly forcing muscles into submission. Gears grinding the rust of habit away, shifts that give. All I can feel is this.
Tell us about yourself.
I am a writer, musician and teacher, currently living in Toronto. I immigrated here in 1996 from Riga, Latvia.
Tell us about the piece you’ve decided to share.
I’m sharing three pieces (poems) from my collection Absences. This is my first full-length collection, and it deals with the ‘homelessness’ of a person trying to fuse together their dual backgrounds, as well as memory, language, writing process, family, and politics/experiences of where I am from.
When and why did you realize you had a passion for writing?
Honestly I can’t remember a time I wasn’t writing. I believe my first piece of writing was a ‘novel’ (up to 13 chapters) when I was 6-years-old about adventures of me and my best friend on a deserted island. I started writing poetry at age 11. After coming to Canada, I wrote poetry in both Russian and English. Also dabbled in playwriting, and translation. My collection is in English, and includes some of my translations of poetry from Russian to English. Writing has stayed with me throughout my life, and even if I have periods when I don’t write a line, I always come back to it.
What pieces of writing/authors have had the greatest impact on you?
In terms of poetry, I was influenced by Akhmatova and Tsvetaeva in my childhood. In adolescence it was Russian futurism, Khlebnikov and Mayakovsky, among others. English-language poetry, I am inspired by Anne Carson, Gwendolyn MacEwen, Eliot, Cohen, Pound, and many more, as well as some contemporary young poets, my friend Jacob Scheier in particular. Novelists, lyricists and artists are an influence and inspiration for writing poetry as well.
What kind of writer do you aspire to be?
It might sound not overly sophisticated, but I want my writing to make people feel. As a young adult, I was attracted to form and sound experimentation, but writers who stayed with me most were the ones who were able to make me feel, to affect with their subtlety, novelty, and even minimalism, their always powerful skill with words. I want to strive to be that kind of writer, and incorporate story-telling, as well as image-telling, subtlety and succinctness into my writing to evoke something in the reader, something that perhaps can’t be pinpointed right away.
How and when do you find time to write?
I know it’s about the discipline, but sometimes it is hard to find the time to write consistently. I write best when I have something to say, or am inspired by writing, people, or experience. I hope to hone the discipline, and be continuously inspired, and be vulnerable, in order to write well.
Dear Alex,
If I could, I would go back, just to relive those moments. Those one hundred days of bliss, where nothing mattered but the time we spent together. The plains of the countryside had never looked so beautiful; I would never see them the same way again. The flowers seem dimmer and the grass not as green. When I returned in remembrance, the sun was sheltered by clouds, dark clouds, a storm brewing. Even the rain felt different without you. It wasn’t warm or refreshing like it was the last time I was here with you, but chilling and saddening.
I’ll forever remember the sun rays shining upon your hair, the swirl of emotion visible in your eyes, how well your hand fit in mine, your infectious smile, just how perfect you are. From your snappy comments and witty jokes, to your words of wisdom and unconditional kindness; everything about you is special. I wouldn’t change a thing. You must know just what you’ve done to me, my heart. Those days felt so right, so perfect, never in my life had something felt so right. I’ve been waiting all my life for you to come along. You’re the only one I want.
Everyday I think of you. It hasn’t been the same without you by my side. Every word I read, every song I hear reminds me of you. We did so much together in such a short amount of time, yet I feel so alone without you. When I come home after going out with friends, I don’t see your smile waiting for me. The nights seem colder without you in my arms, and the mornings even gloomier. Your picture and the memories we share are both joyful remembrances and torturous longings. I miss you more than life itself.
I don’t want to keep it all in my head. All the jumbled up feelings. Longing, sorrow, love, fear, desire . . . I’m being spun around. There were things I could’ve done, but things came from our pasts. They haunt you and bite me, causing so much pain for both of us that everything seemed to crumble. I want nothing more than to build it back up with you at my side. We can look to the future together, defeat these demons from your past, lock them up and swallow the key. We can’t let the past come between our future. I Love You, and nothing can deflate those feelings.
There was nothing I wanted more than to say it, and I thought the time was right. It was fear I saw, fear and sorrow in those usually glittering eyes. And I couldn’t fix it. I tried but old wounds had been reopened, wounds kept hidden from me the entire time we were together. By the time I knew what to say, what to do to help, it was too late.
You were gone, back to your life. I wanted to follow you, but everyone told me not to. My job holds me back as well, but maybe, one day, it’ll take me to you. I will come back for you. I know not when but I do know I will see you again, even if I have to wait until we meet on the golden streets of Heaven. It’s doubtful I’ll be able to wait that long, but be assured that in time we will be reunited.
Love is not a new feeling, I’ve been in love before, but this overwhelming sadness I feel now that you’ve gone is brand new. My heart burns with longing, yearning to be with you again. These emotions feel so foreign and it’s confusing me. These thoughts of you distract me in everything I do and these new emotions are clouding my judgement. I can’t do anything without you. I need you to be mine and mine alone. I can only hope you are waiting for me to come for you. The hope I hold that you are is what keeps me going from day to day. Lately, I’ve been going crazy, your presence occupying my every thought. I never wanted you to go; I never wanted any form of ‘goodbye.’ I hadn’t thought such a connection was possible but you proved me wrong. I was happy to be so wrong. Those days were the best of my life, and only when we’re reunited can those days be outdone. I can’t picture the rest of my life without you being a part of it, a main part.
That water which keeps us apart will be traversed. Those demons that shroud your heart in darkness will flee once they see the light of my love. Our life together has only begun, those summer days just the beginning. We will overcome everything and everyone who stands in our way. I will help and protect you from those who wish to harm us, but I know you will also be there to help and protect me. There is nothing we cannot do together. I give my heart to you to hold.
Even if my friends don’t approve, or if my family doesn’t like us, we will still be together. If your family hates me, or your friends try to break us apart, we will still be together. All that matters is that we love each other. So, do You Love Me? Our age doesn’t matter, not the years between nor how long we’ve lived or even been together. The road will be a bumpy one; I know that people will disapprove and that rumors will spread. I say they are jealous! Those who can’t stand to see us together merely envy us. They don’t understand just how great we have it, they don’t know how much we share, and they can only dream of having what we have. A love that is so pure and true is not an everyday occurrence, and so many wait a lifetime for this kind of love. To have found you is a blessing and to have kept you is a miracle. Have I kept you? Does your heart still hold true? Do You Love Me?
Time is slowly trickling by, yet I still have not come for you. I deeply apologize. I wish I could leave everything behind and come for you, but I know not to. There are people relying on me and I know you would not want me to drop my life for you. You’re too good to be true. I will come for you. We will be together again. My life is incomplete without you, and I hope you feel the same. This new-found love I have for you has not dwindled in the least since we parted. No other has caught my eye even once because my heart knows you are the only one. Nothing anyone can say or do will change my heart and mind. We can get through anything and everything that is thrown our way. I need you, and only you; my One True Love.
I never wanted to say goodbye, yet now you are half a world away. You needn’t worry about unfaithfulness, for my heart will forever be loyal to you. I see your face in the crowds, hear your laugh echoing through the streets, and my heart aches. Was there nothing I could do? We had the best time, we had it all, and I yearn for you to be mine once again. My heart has never been in so much torment. Wings flutter in my chest when I remember the sheer happiness I had felt when I was with you. You were mine for the summer, but I wish you to be mine for so much longer. I never want to let you go. You were my summer love and I will always remember those days. There is nothing more to say, except: I Love You.
Yours always,
Taylor
The issues of this world baffles me The facts and the statistics that are transparent to all reaffirm the fact that we dwell in a world filled with ignorance It is possible to channel my thoughts to the expertise of a professor that conducts multiple researches about the stunning overrepresentation of minorities in prison Or the fact that the gap between the rich and the poor will no longer shrink to create a sense of unity Politicians and those that hold supervisory positions refuse to allocate the funds to support the children in need Overburdened taxpayers spend less time with their children as they pick up guns of all sizes to make headline news The terrorists of society scramble in rage to victimize those that fit into the description of a nation I call for a solution Children forced to fight a war just to prove that power can dominate the inhabitants of a state Pumped into their system are all types of drugs just to suppress the anguish of killing a mother with the resemblance of their own Freedom of speech and expression is observed through graffiti of hate and intolerance Teens facing the issues of self esteem with the notion that love multiplies with the subtraction of father figures Face with disgust some of them turn to the solutions of suicide to end the child that murdered a child through abortion I call for a solution Tortured soldiers face a war of orders and loyalty to the state Wars that are blown out of proportion to the ends of the earth and still we struggle to find out who started it in the first place Skins ripped apart with blood and anguish about the deplorable conditions of the trenches Poppies grow to the grave yards of armed forces and they weren’t ready to die in the first place We need a solution Issues of success ring down the minds of normal civilians Media propagates the universal goal of success to the billions Negativity is the result of the pessimistic minds of the millions Words of hope refuses to the linger to the minds of those that are without a solution
I am disappointed . . . Because if we just taught kids to be themselves and original Then juveniles and prison cells would not be visible We all want to fit in, and be appreciated the most But the worst thing that we can hear is somebody saying . . . .. NO! No you are not popular, no you are not cool And no you will not become anything even if you finish school Why are we classified by our image or race, if we were made from the same clay? We were born respect and unite with each other, and not to disobey We are all the same, because at the end of the day We all will end up in the grave My sisters wake up, and take off that make up You don’t need that cover up, you need to cover up Don’t worry about fixing up your hair and cuticles And looking like a toothpick is not really beautiful Be original and be yourself I pity the “cool crowd” because their personalities just need help Treat everybody the same and treat everybody equal And do not project your insecurities on other people Be strong and do not lose hope either way Because if the world pushes you to your knees, you are in the best position to pray
To wander aimlessly without you, That is truly the greatest hell on earth. How selfish you are. I loathe you! I love you, the rapid confusion in my heart. We are too much the same being; Living one life, sharing one death. And yet, I am expected to continue on, While the warmth of your essence has run cold The chill of your soul forever lingers. I see your angelic face as my own reflection And your footprints impact the fallen snow. My body is spirited by your soul; And mine is left to decay beneath the earth. I love you with more passion in one day Then others could love in a lifetime. I hate you with that same passion more More each day. Suffering alone in this abyss. My punishment for coming too late. Shamefully, I endure this lifelong sorrow; Awaiting the day that we are once again together.
